I got the usual I would never do that to you, I love you, the tears, the how could you think such a thing, the oscar winning performance etc. I loved him very, very much and he did seem genuinely distraught at the threat of me leaving so I hoped that the close call would make him do some soul searching and that he would come to the conclusion that losing me might not be worth the risk after all and he would stop breaking my heart with his tom foolery. Duh. So I pretended to believe him.
My ex from a fourteen year relationship occasionally worked odd hours, I’d call him at work to ask what he wanted for dinner and to cheer him up a bit. Then, over the course of three months, there would be ad hoc times when I’d call his desk phone but get no answer so I’d call his mobile, initially thinking he had probably finished earlier than anticipated and was on his way home (and to check that he wasn’t keeping me hanging while he went off to the pub without telling me).
So I’d call his mobile and ask ‘where are you?’. A few times he would indeed ‘be on his way home’ – yet things were off. I’d never told him that I could often tell when he was lying, he had a certain smugness about him when he did it, sometimes he would even have a particular smirk that he would do when he thought I wasn’t looking (and I can ‘hear’ someone’s facial expression when they are on the phone – probably due to many work hours and long distance boyfriends in the past). He would claim that he had just left the office yet there would be dead silence in the background, none of the usual urban sound of cars going by or his footsteps on the pavement etc.
In the end his bare faced lies and what felt like him trying to brainwash me started to creep me out. Eventually I realised I didn’t need him to admit it, that he would never change, that this was what the rest of my life was going to look like, the pair of us lying to the one person we should be able to be open with, that the trust was gone and our relationship was a complete sham. That I was a complete wreck because of it. Had been for far too long. So I started doing stuff just for me, and stopped doing everything just for him. I got my happiness back. I got kicked out. Best thing that ever happened to me. He never admitted it and I never let on that I didn’t need him to.